Dreaming...

So I am not writer so please don't judge... however I want to post this in hopes that it may help someone else and maybe help people understand me. So here we go..

A few months before we left Okinawa I was having severe mood swings, panic attacks, and just all around could give two S%$#S about anything.  I didn't want to play with the kids, love on my husband, answer emails, pack or just function.  I just assumed that the move would fix things because I was so darn excited to move to Iwakuni. So when I got here, the opposite happened.  I thought I was excited about work, I thought I was excited about all the new things happing... no I was miserable and MEAN.

Go back to pre-children I was pretty laid back, quiet, and was nice.  Fast forward to having Kennon (my third) I noticed I started to stutter, my hair was thinning and everything made me mad.  If you would have said to me you have post pardom or something... I would have said that you were insane.  I have three kids ages three and under, a busy business, a house to run, a stupid dog, and a husband who likes allot of love. I wasn't depressed... I was busy.. really busy.  I wasn't depressed.... I had it all... and I was happy.

So back to the holidays of this year... what made me happy was running my business into the ground.  In my mind I was doing everything right, but my heart was screaming at me to just snap out of it.  So I made so many mistakes that ran Oki to the ground.  When I would sit at the computer I would have severe anxiety, at play-groups with friends severe anxiety, picking up Braylen at school was the worst.  It sounds stupid to be afraid of those other mother's, but those other mother's are mean (not anyone at the playground they are actually great!!!) Just when you have severe panic everyday any person who can judge you is the enemy.  The sad thing was I was the enemy... that evil mother.

I can see this clearly now because after seeing two doctors here in Iwakuni I found one who took me seriously and LISTENED to me.  Turns out I am not or was depressed although I did take anti depressants for six weeks.  I was extremely sleep deprived.  I have to take medication to sleep but it is amazing what 7-8 hours of sleep can do.  I hadn't slept since Jackson (my second) was born.  If I got four hours of sleep it was great, turns out not so great.  I have dreams now.... scary, crazy, mental case dreams.  I can't tell you the last time I dreamed, so the fact that I dream everyday is amazing.

So as far as getting to know me... I am still getting to know me.  I haven't been this nice, calm, and quiet in years.  The most exciting thing about this is I don't stutter and my hair is almost back to normal.  Now I just need to get it fixed pretty ;)

I guess this whole long blog post means... I noticed a big change and didn't do anything because seeing a doctor meant I had a problem.  Seeing a doctor meant my life was not perfect.... you know what my life is perfect.  Perfect for me. I just needed a little sleep to see that.

Part Two Here